It's ridiculous the things I fight. Lift for the van, g-tube. Heck, I even avoided a wheelchair for Boo as long as possible. Today it's a lift for the home. I'm beyond devastated - isn't that ridiculous? Somehow it's yet another acknowledgement of ... I don't know, his disability? My inadequacy?
So, the back is out, badly. Hubby has been out of town for 2 weeks and I just don't have the sheer strength to continue to life Boo in and out of bed anymore. I'm in incredible pain right now, which is probably part of why I'm sobbing like a sissy over having to order a lift, LOL. Somehow, I just feel like it's letting him down. It's so impersonal, so institutional, so unmotherly to have to use an appliance... in my extremely warped mind, it's somehow a sign of me being less caring, though a more rational person would say it's me being more caring by taking care of myself so I can take care of him, but that's just bullshit.
Maybe it's a pity party, maybe it's PMS... maybe just another wave of grief washing over me for my son... I don't know. But the order is in the works and soon my boy will be mechanically lifted into and out of bed, and it sucks.
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1 comments:
You should not fee like you have let anyone down because you need to get mechanical help!
Stay strong, you are doing your damn best and should eb proud.
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